New Trump U. Gives Students a Huge Amount to Learn: Read My Lips

Human Anatomy isn't just for pre-meds anymore.

A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Photographer: David Morris via Flickr. Used with permission under license by Creative Commons. (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode)

Welcome, students!

The first Trump University focused on real estate and didn't end well. The new Trump University, like its founder, thinks bigger, as reflected in the breadth of our courses:

History 220/White Supremacy in America
A review of U.S. hate groups and why no books or articles have ever been written about them. Lesson topics will include David Duke, whom nobody has ever heard of, and what to do about faulty earpieces. Prerequisite: Not open to freshmen or people with dark skin.

Environmental Studies 330/Climate Change
A critical review of the so-called science of so-called global warming, how snowstorms prove everything is fine and how China is schlonging us on this entire disaster. Guest lecturer: Ted Cruz. Prerequisite: Statistics 201/Interpreting Government Data

Biology 200/Human Anatomy
Comprehensive overview of the human body: skeletal structure, hands, musculature, hands, nervous system, hands, respiratory functions, hands, circulatory system, hands, digestive system, and hands. Special emphasis on reproductive system and its connection to the hands. Prerequisite: For freshmen and sophomores considering pre-med, politics.

Communications 230/Fundamentals of Twitter
You can do anything in 140 characters -- even run for president. Lessons will include mocking others in tweets, oversimplifying ideas in tweets and retweeting without verifying. Prerequisite: B or higher in Communications 102/Basic Facebook or Communications 103/Playground Debate

Communications 430/Libel for Losers
As every legal expert knows, there is no mention of freedom of the press in the Bill of Rights, and the New York Times can't be sued even for a story it knows is false. This course examines why more libel suits would make our court system great again. Extra credit will be offered for independent study of the proper way to respond to free speech by protesters. Prerequisite: Students must complete a summer reading list of media hit pieces.

Business 101/Contracts
Only suckers pay their bills in full, while winners pay pennies on the dollar. In this course, prospective business leaders will learn that contracts are not really binding and should be thought of as expressions of fleeting sentiment, like Hallmark cards. Students will negotiate their grades with the instructor's team of highly paid lawyers. Prerequisite: For freshmen intended to major in construction management.

Business 105/Bankruptcy for Beginners
For years, bankruptcy has been associated with failure. This course delves into the emerging alternate view of bankruptcy as a sign of good business sense. Prerequisite: Basic familiarity with Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Business 305/Intermediate Bankruptcy
Offered in conjunction with Donald J. Trump School of Law and Jurisprudential Thought. Prerequisite: Bankruptcy for Beginners, or a Top 3 finish on "The Apprentice."

Statistics 201/Interpreting Government Data
One-third to one-half of your neighbors are unemployed, so why does the government claim low-ball numbers like 4.9 percent? Students will learn how to spot the falsehoods in official government reports. Includes field trip to firehouse to learn how to extinguish pants that are on fire. Prerequisite: Understanding that GDP growth has never before been below zero.

Drama 103/Acting for Beginners
All the world's a stage! Students will learn to deliver dialogue they don't really mean and to stand on stage without looking uncomfortable. Course offered in conjunction with the Chris Christie School of Political Science. Prerequisite: Government 440/Managing Approval Ratings

Accounting 423/Advanced Deficit Reduction
For aspiring CPAs, an introduction to the theories and terminology of budgeting, accounting and financial management. The course will be divided into three segments, representing the three major disciplines of the field: 1) Waste, 2) Fraud, and 3) Abuse. Prerequisite: Accounting 202/The Magic of Tax Cuts

English 210/The Best Superlatives
Details are for losers. If you want to get your point across,  you have to deploy superlatives and modifiers in abundance. Students will learn from the greatest quotations ever, such as, "We will cut so much, your head will spin" and "I will be so good at the military, your head will spin." Prerequisite: Flexible neck

Government 350: The American Presidency
Is government experience a good thing? On the contrary, according to the latest scholarship. The course is divided into the three backgrounds that prepare an American leader to be president: 1) Neurosurgeon 2) Technology management 3) Golf-course developer and eyewear merchandiser. A final term paper will evaluate students' arguments on why 3) is the best choice, by far. As homework, students are encouraged to run for president. Prerequisite: Absolutely none.

*****

With his sudden emergence as a tough-talking Republican Party boss, Mitt Romney might easily be confused with Nucky Thompson, the protagonist in HBO's "Boardwalk Empire." Here's how to tell them apart.

Relationship with alcohol:
Nucky: Big-time bootlegger
Mitt: Had a beer that one time

Language:
Nucky: Talks like Jersey
Mitt: Fluent in French

Education:
Nucky: Dropped out of Trenton State
Mitt: Stanford, BYU, Harvard Law

Milieu:
Nucky: Low finance, government
Mitt: High finance, government

Concealed Weapon:
Nucky: Tommy Gun
Mitt: Special underwear

Anger Management:
Nicky: Bombs rival bootlegger's warehouse
Mitt: Delivers prepared remarks made available in advance to reporters

Bottom Line:
Nucky: Willing to concede 35 percent
Mitt: Willing to concede 47 percent

(Read My Lips is a column dedicated to the proposition that men and women in the corridors of power will say or do things for which they might be sorry.)

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