Trump-Clinton Hack Reveals Wall Street's Secrets
On the eve of our presidential election, Bloomberg News has come into possession of a massive trove of e-mails, written, it appears, by a Wall Street trader who enjoyed personal dealings with both major candidates. Unable to read, let alone make sense of them, we have nevertheless decided to imagine what’s in them, so that you might, too. We do this mainly to further confuse and unsettle the electorate, but also to attract attention to ourselves.
Or "Big Swinging Hands," as we decided you should be dubbed, after your fundraiser. Me and my colleagues in the financial sector (anyway, the guys standing behind me while I shook your outsized appendage) totally understand how hard it is for you to get together in person before the election. But once you are president we’d love to discuss how we might help your administration. Art of the Comeback, baby! We totally agree with you on the importance of getting the government out of business. It’s like they want all guys to act like chicks now. Uniquely for a presidential candidate, you understand the importance for a risk-taker to be all guy and not, to put it politely, part wussy.
PS. Your cool "Access Hollywood" campaign video just inspired our newest Trump bumper stickers: Better to grab one than to be one!
PPS. Ever notice that the donkey on the Democrats’ logo has no balls?
Dear Secretary Clinton:
I was the quiet fellow at your recent fundraiser who stressed my desire to raise the profile of women on Wall Street. I greatly enjoyed our brief, if one-sided, chat. I completely get that if you were to acknowledge my presence and speak any words to me they might be construed as “a Wall Street speech.” And we totally understand your discomfort with our desire for a group picture. But what a terrific role model you have been! Not just for wives and daughters but also for our girlfriends. They, too, can now see that women can make it on Wall Street.
As to the question you passed on from Senator Warren: If Goldman isn’t violating the Dodd-Frank act, and trading for its own account, how does its junk-bond trader make $300 million last quarter? I thought long and hard about this. It’s hard to explain but I would like to try. LDL (maybe without Senator Warren?).
Your Fellow Concerned Democrat,
I apologize for having taken the liberty of addressing you by your first name. I agree that, when I asked for your e-mail, I was not entirely forthcoming with you about my employment situation. All of us on Wall Street now just assume that if people hear where we work they will pre-judge us. You must know how we feel -- I mean with all these women who don’t even know you having whipped themselves into their totally ridiculous hysteria because you just said what every guy thinks about 50 times a minute. Women are so sexist! You and I both know that if you got them alone they’d all be putty in your gargantuan mitts.
Anyway, I know I speak for a lot of Wall Street guys when I say you can grope me whenever and wherever you want. We know you are going to win, because you are not a loser.
P.S. About your expressed interest in our proposed campaign donation being made in the form of a personal loan: Can I get back to you later?
Dear Secretary Clinton:
So sorry this check has been delayed. In the spirit of citizenship, might we open a dialogue on your proposal to tax high-frequency trading?
Your Devoted Public Servant,
To Whom It May Concern:
For some reason the e-mails I send to Mr. Donald Trump now bounce back to me with a note which to me looks as it is written in some foreign language (Russian, maybe?). As we in the financial sector hope to remain his biggest financial supporters, maybe you can put us in touch with someone there who speaks English? Either way, please tell Mr. Trump we’d be happy to buy up all Trump-branded products currently unsold in U.S. department stores. Also that Ivanka is still like totally hot.
Your loyal comrade,
Dear Secretary Clinton:
We put our heads together here and came up with an idea for stabilizing, if not our society, at least your personal financial situation. Here we are just days before an election that really could go either way. If you win, we can all rest easy. But if you lose, all hell breaks loose. In short, you are like a volatile stock, crying out to be hedged.
To that end our derivatives desk has designed a novel financial instrument. It works like this: If you win, you ignore the public outcry and give us five senior positions in your administration; if you lose, we give you a senior advisory position that guarantees you $5 million a year.
Our in-house counsel assures us that nothing in Dodd-Frank forbids this new risk-lowering financial instrument. For the last nights of this campaign it will allow you to sleep at night. It doesn’t even require you, metaphorically, to “sell yourself short.” Because you have already done it.
All the best. either way
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