Matt Levine, Columnist

Apple Fiction and Robot Hiring

Also blockchains, robo-advisers, put-spread collar index funds, unbanked lawyers, etc.

September 8, 2016 at 1:15 PM UTC

Updated on

September 8, 2016 at 2:05 PM UTC

Matt Levine is a Bloomberg Opinion columnist. A former investment banker at Goldman Sachs, he was a mergers and acquisitions lawyer at Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz; a clerk for the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 3rd Circuit; and an editor of Dealbreaker.

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Apple did a thing.

I mean, you know this. You can read about the new iPhone more or less anywhere, but for myself, I've moved past real reviews of real Apple products. For the iPhone 7, I have tried to restrict myself to reading fictional coverage. Fortunately there is a lot. You can get lists of fake iPhone features at the New Yorker ("Is Banksy"), the Onion ("Put together by a child") and Jezebel ("Call me when it transmits straight to my brain via Braintooth"). Fusion has a fake profile of the courageous product managers who took out the headphone jack. Here's a fake plug to get rid of the headphone jack in your iPhone 6. On Twitter -- the leading social network for surfacing fake news -- Sam Kriss reports that the new iPhone has a rotary blade, Jason Gilbert that it is "PRE-LOADED with 'Sully,'" and Kaleb Horton that its features "add up to a slow drip of morphine that allows you to ignore and dismiss the existential horror that confronts us all when we get out of bed." Also Bloomberg's Stephanie Davidson described the fake ant that comes with the new wireless ear buds. I am sure I am missing many others. Some of the real news sounds fake, too. Apparently the new iPhone will come in two different shades of black, one regular and one extra-scratchy.