title of article on a stone slab

Jealousy List 2017

Please excuse the inaccurate headline: At this publication, we firmly believe in coveting other people’s articles. Welcome to our fifth annual Jealousy List, our soul-crushing forced march [Be positive. - Ed.] magnanimous roundup of stories we wish we’d done over the past year. This is our grudging admiration for the best articles perpetrated in 2017 by our overrated [I said positive. -Ed.] esteemed competition. [Name some. - Ed.] FINE. The New Yorker, the New York Times, the Atlantic. And others. Many others. So many others. It hurts real bad [Final warning. - Ed.] Congratulations to the honorees, and may your imaginations utterly fail [You’re fired. - Ed.] flourish once again in 2018.