College basketball, as a sport, has fallen in popularity over the last two decades, for a multitude of reasons. (Decreased quality of play, superstars leaving early for the NBA, radical conference realignment caused by football, so on.) The vast, vast majority of Americans—at this point, the vast majority of sports fans—don’t think one whit about college basketball for 50 weeks out of the year. It’s completely off their radar.
And then comes the middle of March, the March Madness when, suddenly, everyone loves college basketball. We college basketball fans can be taken aback; we spend half our year obsessing over Duke’s third-string point guard with no one to talk to about it, and then, out of nowhere, our whole office is agonizing over Stephen F. Austin, North Dakota State, and Robert Morris. The world ignores college basketball and then, for a fortnight, can’t get enough of it.
The reason for this, of course, is the bracket. The bracket is perfection. It can take earth’s most complicated, infinitely labyrinthine human dilemmas and pulverize them into simple binary yes-no coin flips. I have an uncle, the sort of fella who loves going to Jimmy Buffet’s restaurants, who says his laid-back, cavalier attitude toward life stems from understanding a basic human construction: “Either something’s gonna happen, or it isn’t. It’s 50-50.” The bracket eradicates confusion, steamrolls complexity; it has no use for statistical breakdowns or “probabilities.” Either you win, or you lose. Winner goes on: Loser goes home. Something happens, or it doesn’t.
You’ll never convince me that there’s an issue that can’t be resolved with a bracket. Middle East peace? Take the 64 best solutions you can come up with, slap ‘em in a bracket, decide which is the better option of two 63 times, and then wham, you have your solution. (This is foolproof, I tell you.) We should every answer question this way. Want to know the meaning of life? What happened to that Malaysian plane? Which God is the truest God? What you want to be when you grow up? Who owned “American Idol”? The mystery of human existence? The absolute most awesome number between the numbers 1 and 64? Put ‘em in a bracket. You’ll find out when there’s only one answer left standing.
In that spirit, we offer the following president-picking bracket—from an alternate universe in which presidential campaigning is simple, rational, and never leads to a tie. The 64 candidates have been selected from all walks of life—except politicians, which in this more rational world, wouldn’t have to exist. Then we set them upon each other, in ruthless Darwinian struggle—Colbert versus Stewart, Huffington versus Wintour, The Koch Brothers versus Warren Buffett, Sergey Brin versus Bill Gates —to winnow the ones that are truly presidential from the pretenders. None of our candidates will have to pander over ethanol subsidies, or pay court to a multibillionaire who made his money on gambling in Macau. There will be no gaffes, no gotcha moment, no media to create a self-fulfilling narrative. Just talent—and, since these are the playoffs, a goodly measure of luck. To our contestants, we have four words of advice: survive and move on.
Sergey Brin vs. Bill Gates
Brin versus Bill is a generational battle of brains—but the real struggle is over ethics. Is “Don’t Be Evil” a fatal handicap in politics? Is Gates current gooey world-saving impulses at odds with the realities of modern power? Who’s more in touch with their Frank Underwood chutzpah?
Mark Zuckerberg vs. Sheryl Sandberg
Zuckerberg is of course Sandberg’s Facebook boss. But that doesn’t mean this is a walkover. Sandberg commands an army of fierce corporate warriors, all leaning in. Zuckerberg’s legions—all 1.28 billion of them—are forever ambivalent about his edicts.
Elon Musk vs. Travis Kalanick
Kalanick is as aggro as the NYC cabbies he’s consigning to the ash heap of history with Uber. Musk talks as if he owns the future—the question is, how much of that will sound like BS to voters who saw Obama's vision to "win the future" and Bush's plan to go to Mars go nowhere fast?
Jeff Bezos vs. Ben Rubin
Bezos is the biggest and baddest, and readying an army of drones. But Rubin just won the SXSW primary without really trying. Only one thing is certain—we will be watching this live, either on Meerkat itself or a lackluster clone built by Bezos.
Koch Brothers vs. Warren Buffett
Red versus Blue. Investor versus Industrialists. Two against one, yes—but the one is a verified Oracle. And if the Kochs win, which one would be vice?
Howard Schultz vs. Jamie Dimon
The Starbucks founder is the hopey-changey candidate, the cold-brewed Obama. Jamie Dimon flirted with the Obamans—but now is “barely a Democrat.” America runs on coffee and money—but which one could we live without?
Neil Bush vs. Alice Walton
A Bush would know as well as anyone how useful family connections are in getting to the White House (and that, in the Bush family, everyone gets a turn!). But, surprising as it may be, Walton will likely have a financial advantage as the heiress to a retail fortune. Her DWI incident, however, could come back to haunt her.
Lucious Lyon vs. Martha Stewart
Lucious’s Empire is growing, while Martha Stewart’s has definitely shrunk. Is America ready for a White House covered in Kehinde Wiley paintings or DIY perfection?
Frank Underwood vs. Rahm Emanuel
Is it harder to win three seasons on Netflix or eight years in Chicago? Keep this in mind: Lilyhammer also got three seasons on Netflix.
Oprah vs. Daenerys Targaryen
Both lead powerful armies, and could very well take over the world. Oprah is much closer, though doesn’t have dragons. We think.
Preet Bharara vs. Chirlane McCray
The toughest prosecutor in New York has gone after bankers, drug dealers, and Bitcoin. But it’s still “Chirlane’s city,” according to New York magazine at least, because no one has more influence over the mayor—her husband—than her.
Samantha Power vs. Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Good luck deciding this one. Power has helped put human rights on the map in America as a journalist and then Obama adviser and diplomat. Ginsberg forced gender equality into U.S. law as a litigator and later Supreme Court justice. One more thing: not many public servants are still fighting the good fight at 82.
Tina Fey vs. Judd Apatow
One can fit a biting observation about the world into a single sentence. The other will be all over recreational marijuana legalization.
Angelina Jolie vs. Shonda Rhimes
What’s more important to you: The plight of war zone refugees or whether Olivia and Fitz make it to Vermont? There is no right answer, especially if you think Rhimes is making bigger things happen through her slew of socially conscious shows.
Beyonce vs. Kim Kardashian West
West turned emo infamy into a brand, but Beyonce broke the internet first, when her surprise album went platinum in six days. She also has a proven record of destroying the competition—can you name the other members of Destiny’s Child?
Chris Rock vs. Neil Patrick Harris
A match-up between the guy who should have hosted the Oscars and the guy who did an alright job of it. Only one knows how to get serious at the precisely right moment, and drive the political conversation.
Roger Goodell vs. Bud Selig
It’s the skirmish of the commishes—a choice between a soulless sycophant and a vampiric anachronism. Let's be honest: Neither will go all the way. But the winner could very well end up in a middling cabinet post if he advances to the Sweet 16.
David Beckham vs. Tom Brady
Both are pretty. One's got an arm, but the other has a foot. This one might come down to who you want as first lady.
Serena Williams vs. Mo’ne Davis
Vote Serena if you want a president who won’t rest until the job is done. Vote Mo’ne if you want the best presidential press conferences of all time.
Lebron James vs. Kareem Abdul Jabbar
LeBron is already king, so he’s used to power. Kareem is technically a pilot, so if something goes down on Air Force One, he can step up and land that sucker.
Megyn Kelly vs. Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity is just about the reddest man in media, equipped with a presidential chin. Megyn Kelly has the newer face, and is capable of Sister-Souljah-ing supposed ideological allies while smiling the entire time.
Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart
Colbert was a Stewart protégé—and to this day, like Jeb and Marco, they pretend they’re friends. The winner will prove whether America cares more about loving its eagles and flags or hating its more boneheaded senators and congresspeople.
Arianna Huffington vs. Anna Wintour
Both of these women have birth certificate issues—which will cancel each other out. Their leadership styles—Wintour, fierce and monosyllabic, Huffington as voluble as Joe Biden—couldn’t be more different. Both have showed a formidable ability to blaze their own trail to wherever they want to go.
Jill Abramson vs. Ta-Nehisi Coates
The former New York Times editor made a great paper while never suffering fools, which may have cost her her job. Coates calls bullshit on President Obama, The New Republic, all of White America—and manages not to make enemies doing it. Can you win without making enemies, though?
North West vs. Blue Ivy Carter
Thirty years from now we’ll be able to judge these two on their accomplishments, but for now pick the cutest baby. FWIW: Both probably have more impressive passports than George W. Bush circa 1999.
Tavi Gevinson vs. Alex From Target
Both of these teens seemingly came out of nowhere, like that guy who beat Hillary in 2008: Tavi Gevinson was a tween-fashion-fan-turned-feminist-writer and magazine founder (aka job creator). Alex Lee was just a church-going, Target-employed Texan propelled to fame by a tweet.
Sally Draper vs. Ariana Grande
Let's get this out of the way: Don Draper is not anywhere in this bracket because he would be a terrible president. His daughter has the stuff of greatness, navigating the 1960's without being a boring stereotype. Likewise, Ariana Grande has navigated the 2000's better than anyone, from Nickelodeon star to pop princess who gets carried everywhere she goes. We all know who would have the best inauguration party.
Lena Dunham vs. Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer
These great women would resent being pitted against each other. Vote for all of them.
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama vs. Pope Francis
Which requires greater fortitude: exile from Tibet, or inheritance of an institution wracked with contradiction? Pithy quotes on happiness and love could go a long way with some voters, but this pope will appeal to Americans who are ready to drag uncomfortable truths out into the open, darn the consequences.
Leslie Knope vs. Huma Abedin
The Pawnee public servant has a picture of Hillary Rodham Clinton in her office; Huma Abedin needs no gilded frame—she advises the genuine article. The real final factor, unfortunately, may be First Husbands. Both are heavyweight political strategists who have won big elections; one is the worst sexter in American history.
Edward Snowden vs. Chelsea Manning
These leakers are natural allies, but politics means war. Manning’s serving prison time, while some say Snowden dodged. What it comes down to is this: How do you define patriotic?
Kaci Hickox vs. Kimmy Schmidt
Red headed rebels and renegades, unite! Kaci, who won’t be called "Ebola nurse," scared Chris Christie with a bike ride: that’s some power. But Kimmy Schmidt, for her part, made her way out of a doomsday cult and is here to charm New York City. Not to mention, she’s got Tina Fey to write her lines.