Levine on Wall Street: We Just Have to Get Through the Next Hundred Years

The lesson seems to be that, for bank earnings calls, it's Jamie Dimon > James Gorman >>> Antony Jenkins.

It's going to be a rough hundred years at Barclays.

The bank "will eliminate as many as 12,000 jobs this year after fourth-quarter profit tumbled," and chief executive officer Antony Jenkins had this to say about it:

"Our industry is going through what I regard as a hundred-year transformation," Jenkins said on a conference call with journalists today "A lot of that is driven by technology."

Also some other things, in Barclays' case, but that doesn't make it any more fun for the 12,000 people being fired.

How to tell Jamie Dimon and James Gorman apart .

This is just a really good description of bank earnings calls:

The bank chiefs themselves typically maintain their natural tone. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon displays an air of incredulity that anyone should question the performance of his bank, even when he is discussing a bizarre multi-billion dollar trading loss or a record legal settlement for previous misconduct. Morgan Stanley CEO James Gorman delivers a convincing performance as a management consultant whose greatest pleasure in life is shutting down business lines, ideally when he gets to fire a few traders.

No, a court isn't going to throw out JPMorgan's $13 billion settlement.

I was going to write about the Better Markets lawsuit seeking to stop the Justice Department's settlement with JPMorgan, but David Zaring at The Conglomerate saved me the trouble. This is a silly lawsuit.

Tech triumphalism: thing 1.

"There's a latency between the regulatory framework and the tech framework," says a man who four paragraphs later also says "In some ways, overregulation is a form of dictatorship, too."

Tech triumphalism: thing 2.

"We have a mechanical bull. Game-changer. Innovate." Possibly he was not kidding, who knows.

Tech triumphalism: thing 3.

Chamath Palihapitiya is surely right that taking a Harvard Business School course in entrepreneurship is a negative signal of entrepreneurship, and he scores some other points in this article too. On the other hand the tech triumphalism is a bit much, as when he tells students that he'd like to fund an entrepreneur who "decided to try to solve a problem in heart disease, without any prior medical experience." Also he's weirdly enamored of a guy who "would take off his shoes and socks and manipulate a computer mouse with his feet," which I guess predicts entrepreneurship better than any Harvard course ever could.

Restructuring lawyer has cool hobby.

Here is just a great story about a partner at Curtis, Mallet-Prevost, Colt & Mosle who likes to hand people $2 bills. People like Jay Z. And what do you do with your weekends?

This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Bloomberg View's editorial board or Bloomberg LP, its owners and investors.

    (Matt Levine writes about Wall Street and the financial world for Bloomberg View.)

    To contact the author on this story:
    Matthew S Levine at mlevine51@bloomberg.net

    To contact the editor on this story:
    Toby Harshaw at tharshaw@bloomberg.net

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