Mr. Trump, Madame Le Pen From France Is on Line 2: Read My Lips
DONALD TRUMP: Marine? Donald. Lovely to talk to you. How's the weather in Europe? I hear business is huge at my golf course in Aberdeen, Scotland. Do you golf? We should golf sometime.
As you probably know, I'm going to make America great again, the other low-energy losers are going down, and people are rallying around my message about taking our country back and bringing our jobs back. I'm told you're pretty good at this immigrant thing, too, so I wanted to see if you had any advice.
MARINE LE PEN: Mr. Trump, do you think you can just jump into this? I've been doing it for years. I learned at the feet of my father.
TRUMP: I learned under my father as well. Fred Trump. Perhaps you heard of him?
LE PEN: Non.
TRUMP: You need to read my books. I'll send you copies. So, any tips on how to keep this thing going?
LE PEN: People want unwavering steadiness on views. As I said, I was literally born into far-right politics. Tell me: How long have you been devoted to the cause?
LE PEN: Just sue them. Maybe you'll have more success than I did. Or ignore it. A fascist is consumed with differences among races and religions. But you and I, we're just concerned with protecting our people.
TRUMP: Exactly. When I tweet random numbers about blacks killing whites, I'm really just interested in the math. I don't see color. And when I say I'd consider a database to keep track of Muslims, I'm only interested in the database, not the Muslims, and anyway who said I'm interested in it?
LE PEN: At the very least, we need to call for more surveillance of mosques.
TRUMP: I'm all over that, Marine. I'm going to surveil these people like they've never been surveilled before. Did you know know the word surveil comes from French?
LE PEN: You also might want to consider making an issue of school menus and the absence of pork. There's no reason for religion to enter the public sphere.
TRUMP: I love pork. Did you see me at the Iowa State Fair? It's like those farmers never saw a helicopter before. They loved me.
LE PEN: I admire your bravery for sticking by your story about seeing thousands of Muslims cheering in New Jersey on 9/11. I for one believe you. You were there?
TRUMP: No, I saw it on TV. Apparently I'm the only one. Can you imagine? Literally not one other person remembers seeing that. I'm the best -- the best -- at watching TV and remembering things. Nobody else comes close. What TV shows do you like? Ever see "Celebrity Apprentice"?
LE PEN: I prefer "Homeland."
TRUMP: You know, the polls show that the attacks in Paris were good for my campaign.
TRUMP: Here's some free advice for you. Just build a wall along the border. Make Belgium pay for it. Next topic: Vladimir Putin -- maybe it's just me, but I kind of like the guy. He sees land he wants and he takes it, just like I did with Mar-a-Lago. Ever been there? It's a mansion like you wouldn't believe.
LE PEN: We have a few mansions in France, too, you know. Ever heard of Versailles?
TRUMP: Why, is it for sale?
TRUMP: Agreed. That's why I want to make America great again, so that we get back to the good old days when we were demonizing Russia.
I realize that I don't really need any advice from anybody, but thanks for the time anyway. Good luck in 2017. Maybe someday we'll talk as two heads of state. Piece of advice: you've got nice blonde hair, but when I see you on TV, I sometimes say, "Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?"
LE PEN: Monsieur Trump, la conversation is finie.
TRUMP: Don't be offended, Marine. I was talking about your persona.
Asinine things said or done recently:
- Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks said Syrians fleeing their war-torn country for the U.S. are just in search of a "paid vacation."
- Kevin Swanson, a Christian minister, said the victims of the Paris massacre were "devil-worshipers" and had it coming.
- Texas Gov. Greg Abbott ordered private, nonprofit humanitarian organizations to turn their backs on refugees or risk the state blocking their federal funding.
- Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert comic, justified suicide bombing as an outlet for lack of a sex life.
- Marco Rubio said there was a "positive development" resulting from the Paris massacre.
(Read My Lips is a column dedicated to the proposition that men and women in a position of power, or the pursuit of it, will say or do things for which they will be sorry.)