What the GOP Really Wants
“In the afternoon, the President and the Vice President will host the bipartisan, bicameral leadership of Congress for a lunch meeting at the White House.”
—White House Daily Guidance for Nov. 7, 2014
12:30 p.m. The Oval Office.
Chief of staff Denis McDonough: Sir, the Republicans are here.
President Barack Obama: How wonderful! What’s the occasion?
McDonough: You invited them over, just before the midterm election.
Obama: Oh right, the midterms. How’d we do?
McDonough: In the midterms? Three days ago? It’s been all over the news.
Obama: Jeez, sorry, Mom. I’ve been a little busy being president. It’s not all fun and games and campaigns and watching cable news, you know. There are real things going on.
McDonough: Of course. I meant no disrespect. But it didn’t go well. The Republicans picked up seven seats in the Senate—
Obama: Hey, do we have a number for Michael Jordan? I’ve been trying to get in touch with him for days but he won’t respond to my Facebook messages.
McDonough: Should I let the Republicans in now?
Obama: Yeah—but tell M.J. I want to hit the links soon.
12:40 p.m. The Old Family Dining Room. The Republicans enter.
Obama: Guys! First of all, congratulations. I remember what it’s like to be a senator in the majority. You guys are gonna have a blast.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell: Cut the crap, Obama.
House Speaker John Boehner: Yeah, we’re sick of it. It’s our time now. Time to get serious.
Obama: Whoa, whoa. Guys, I’m just being nice. I even stayed out of the midterms as much as I could. We’re friends!
McConnell: Friends? Listen up pal, things are about to change in this town. The people want change. We have demands. And they’re non-negotiable.
Obama: All right, that’s fair. Well, let’s talk about it. What do you want?
McConnell: First, let’s talk parking spaces.
Obama: Excuse me?
McConnell: Since 2008 you’ve held the best parking spot in town. I want it.
Obama: You don’t mean…
McConnell: I do. The executive spot at PMI, 1100 Connecticut Ave.
Obama: I can’t give that up! It took me months to get that spot. Direct elevator access!
McConnell: Non. Negotiable.
Obama: Fine. Take the damn parking spot. I’ll park on the street.
McConnell: Good. Second: No more tuna salad sandwiches in the congressional cafeteria.
Obama: Come on. I go to the Hill a lot for meetings and that’s the only thing I can look forward to afterward!
McConnell: Get rid of them.
Obama: What am I gonna eat after my meetings?
McConnell: Maybe you should have thought of that before you lost the Senate majority. Besides, Joni Ernst will be here in a few months. We’ll have plenty of pork sandwiches.
Obama: Ugh. Boehner, are you seriously letting him do this? That’s my special sandwich! They make it just for me!
Boehner: No tuna.
McConnell: And while we’re talking about food, there are two words we never want to hear again.
Boehner: Let’s. Move.
McConnell: Third: Casual Friday is over.
Obama: What? That’s not even for me. That’s for Joe. Let him keep that one.
Vice President Joe Biden: You mean this is the last time I can wear this Green Day Pop Disaster Tour 2002 shirt?
McConnell: Throw it out.
Boehner: We told you we were serious.
Obama: This is all Kay Hagan’s fault.
Biden: Well, and Mark Pryor.
Obama: And Michelle Nunn.
Biden: Ohhh, I forgot about her.
Boehner: And Mark Udall.
McConnell: John, stay focused. Fourth: We’re repealing Obamacare.
McConnell: Finally, one more thing. Next time we go golfing together, we choose the teams.
Obama: This is shaping up to be the worst part of my presidency.
Boehner: Speaking of which, how’s 18 holes sound for tomorrow afternoon? I’ll ask M.J. if he wants to come.
Obama: Wait, you have Jordan’s number?
Boehner: Yeah, of course. I call him for my team though.
Obama: You know what? I’m OK with that.