For LGBTQ+ people, coming out is a lifelong process

Around the world, LGBTQ+ equality and acceptance have made incredible strides. Yet, even in countries with the most progressive laws and attitudes, there is still a long way to go before LGBTQ+ people are no longer made to feel like the “other.”

Pride Month serves as a reminder of where we’ve been and where we’re headed: more countries are passing same-sex marriage laws and more employers are implementing workplace discrimination policies. On the social front, more young people feel comfortable coming out to family and friends. However, the idea that being straight and cis-gender is “the norm” is still pervasive, and can lead to tokenism without genuine regard for LGBTQ+ representation and inclusion. This assumption, that everyone is straight and cis-gender unless stated otherwise, can put many LGBTQ+ people in a difficult position. Equally complicating is the fact that heteronormativity is deeply embedded in society and the way people socialize, making it even more difficult for LGBTQ+ people to navigate a variety of spaces.

The impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has been especially challenging for members of this community, resulting in feelings of isolation and a lack of connection. The ability to gather and build ties, both in and outside the workplace, provides a necessary outlet for members of this group, but social distancing measures around the world have made those opportunities impossible for the near future. The lack of positive social connections, coupled with quarantining in non-LGBTQ+ affirming environments, could have a significant negative impact on their mental health.

Constantly evaluating

“The ‘default setting’ of the world is very heterosexual,” says Meng Xu, a Bloomberg Customer Support representative in Tokyo. “Just imagine that you have to fight the world on a daily basis.”

As a result of this heteronormativity, and in addition to the ubiquity of gender normativity, coming out is an exhausting, lifelong process for LGBTQ+ people. In every new environment, with every new person, members of the LGBTQ+ community must endure the stressful, complex, and emotional experience of determining whether it is safe to reveal their gender and/or sexual identity.

It’s also important to consider the issue from a global perspective. While progress has been made, it is still illegal to be LGBTQ+ in 70 countries. Fear and safety continue to be concerns, and coming out becomes an even more complex experience, with real safety risks to be considered. This fear is often amplified for those members of the LGBTQ+ community who belong to more than one marginalized group.

If a person also happens to belong to other marginalized groups because of their race, ability, socioeconomic status, or any other factor, their individual experience is cumulative and much more complex. This undoubtedly takes a toll on mental health, especially during such uncertain and isolating times.

The prevalence of hetero and gender normativity means that even safe, accepting environments must make it clear that they are welcoming.

Beyond the office

Of course, these situations stretch far beyond the workplace. Ajay Bhandaram, a Portfolio & Risk Analytics Product Manager in New York, says that whenever he spends time with new people, he finds it helpful to ask questions about their family, friends, education, and religion before deciding whether to be truly himself in their presence.

In addition to deciphering the beliefs of strangers, LGBTQ+ people are also regularly put in the position of having to decide whether to correct someone when they make an improper assumption about them.

“There’s always an internal discussion of, ‘Do I correct? Is it worth it?’,” says Ami Levine, who works in Supply Chain in New York. “I think it’s educational for some people, but it also puts me at a very vulnerable position, which is a conflict sometimes.”

Back in the closet

Ami is not alone in feeling that awkwardness is a limiting factor in her freedom to be herself. In a survey about first jobs, 62% of respondents who went back into the closet at their first job did so because they thought it would be too awkward to discuss – in fact, it was the number one reason cited. Comparatively, only 33% of respondents said they re-closeted themselves because they feared being out would prevent them from getting promoted.

“It used to be energy- and time-consuming. I never could perform very well because every time, 100% of the time, I was trying to be someone who I was not,” explains Danilo Mazzi, who works in Global Data in Sao Paulo. “Once I came out and  started working at Bloomberg, it was so different because I didn’t need to give excuses or pretend to be someone I’m not. And if you don’t as expend that much time hiding your personal life, you perform that much better.”

This survey indicates that “policies that sit on the shelf do not impact day-to-day work culture.” In office environments and beyond, it is the discomfort and the awkwardness caused by going against heteronormative assumptions that we still have to work hard to eliminate.

This shift in thinking is not easy, particularly as stay at home orders have limited opportunities to directly challenge office culture. Establishing different habits and expectations, even while working from home, can help make the world a more comfortable, inclusive place for LGBTQ+ people – in the remote workplace and everywhere else.

How to actively affirm the LGBTQ+ community

The notions of LGBTQ+ acceptance and tolerance are important, and progress is being made; globally, the average level of acceptance of LGBTQ+ people has increased over the last few decades. Building on this momentum and shifting to an active affirmation of LGBTQ+ people will help ease the burden of continually coming out to new people in new situations.

Signaling to people that you are safe, open, and welcoming can save them from undertaking the stressful emotional labor of finding out for themselves. Bhandaram emphasizes “how emotionally draining it is to come out again and again.”

Here are a few things you can do to make it clear that LGBTQ+ people are welcome (and that discrimination of any kind is not tolerated):

• Ask new people you meet what their pronouns are, rather than guessing based on their appearances.
• Add visual indicators to a space that show it is safe, while taking care to be authentic and avoid token gestures. For example, you can hang up a pride flag by your window or wear a rainbow bracelet.
• Shift the language you use when asking questions about others’ personal lives and avoid making assumptions about a person’s identity. Rather than asking if they have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, use gender-neutral language: are they seeing anyone? Do they have a partner?
• It’s important to communicate and check in on one another during isolating times. Reach out, ask how your LGBTQ+ co-workers and friends are doing, and be invested in their answers.
• Continue to build authentic connection with LGBTQ+ colleagues, friends and family. Show your support for LGBTQ+ communities more widely by helping organizations that advance LGBTQ+ people and supporting LGBTQ+ businesses.

These changes may seem small, but they can make a world of difference for the mental health, comfort, and overall inclusion of LGBTQ+ people.

We all have the power to make it easier on our co-workers, classmates, friends, children, and family members. Shifting toward active affirmation doesn’t mean that whenever you meet someone new, you must make it immediately clear that you are accepting. It means when you have the opportunity to avoid making an assumption, take it. When you have the ability to not be a bystander and expressly show support, do it.

Read more:

How to advocate for transgender colleagues and fight discrimination

Understanding our intersectionalities: embracing multiple identities within the LGBT+ community

Three steps to being a more inclusive ally, colleague, and friend