The Real Star Wars Controversy: A Creeping Nanny State

A newfangled lightsaber? Obviously evidence of overt political correctness and government overreach.

Real Star Wars Controversy: A Creeping Nanny State
Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images

The first trailer for Star Wars Episode VII dropped last week, and, as with all things Star Wars, it has both been praised, and produced a parsec’s worth of controversy.

First we need to say—we love Star Wars! When the trailer came out it immediately caused a ripple in our force. It had everything Star Wars fans were looking for: X Wings, TIE Fighters, the Millennium Falcon ... But it also had a curious shot of a lightsaber with two little cross-guard lightsabers on the hilt.

Many fans immediately derided this as silly; others saw at a fun twist on a fan standard; but we saw it as something very different. In America today, where everyone, is all PC and stuff, there is no mistaking this as another sign of the creeping nanny state. Hear us out.

The new lightsaber, featuring hand and wrist protection.
The new lightsaber, featuring hand and wrist protection.

As everyone knows, the only thing that can stop a lightsaber is another lightsaber, and so the tiny lightsaber beams are being explained away as a safety precaution to protect your hand. Is this really what it’s come to? Star Wars used to be the wild West! It was awesome! Sure, sometimes bad things happened to good people—like Luke Skywalker losing his hand. But that’s what made it great: Star Wars had a careless regard for employee safety.

Like a mile-high tractor beam with no safety rails. And there certainly weren’t any safety rails in Cloud City. You’re in the clouds! It’s windy, and you’re 37,000 miles in the air!

What about the cannon on the Death Star that can literally destroy a planet, and the guys operating it are so close that the radiation alone should have killed them! And still—no safety railing!

The Stormtroopers, and the bulky armor they're required to wear. Completely useless! It doesn’t protect them from blasters—or tiny bears!

Now THAT is the Star Wars I remember. Now all of a sudden we're adding extra safety precautions to protect a Sith Lord? What’s next? New regulations on workplace harassment?

Give me a break! Once again, Hollywood liberals with their limousine airplanes and quinoa wine are messing with our galaxy far, far away.

Although it does look pretty rad.

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