Jay Carney Phones His Grandmother
Jay Carney, White House press secretary: Hi, Bumpuh, how are you?
Grandmother: Oh, Jay-Jay. I don’t hear from you for so long. You look so tired on the television, Jay-Jay. You getting enough sleeping?
Carney: Obviously it is our intention to accomplish all of the various ... initiatives … that we have set forth in our agenda … I think it’s needless to say how vast an undertaking this is and how tirelessly we are attempting to move forward. Next question. Yes, go ahead, Bumpuh.
Grandmother: I’m here, Jay-Jay. Why sometimes your hair go to one way and sometime the other way and then to the front and sometime curl up? You too hot at the work?
Carney: I appreciate the question, Bumpuh. I’m going to direct you to the White House barber for this … obviously he is in charge of those issues and would have full knowledge of all the details in that particular area. And if I can for a moment refer back to your first question in answering this … his department has the complete cooperation to move forward in an unimpeded fashion and I think the results show how beneficial that is to accomplishing the goals set forth by his or any other office.
Grandmother: What you talking so crazy for, Jay-Jay? All the time you sound like Scrabble. Jay-Jay, your cousin Mikey say you don’t bowl no more. Why you stop bowling?
Carney: I think … I hear what you’re saying … but I strongly suggest that the assumption being made here that because I haven’t bowled with the cousins for some time necessarily implies that I have entirely and/or permanently eliminated bowling from being a possibility … with … or without, for that matter … the cousins … is an overstatement at best and at the very least a gross generalization. Next question.
Grandmother: You coming to Bumpuh’s Thanksgiving, Jay-Jay? I’m making the voishkecht you love with the sour cream. Hang on, Jay-Jay. I got the call waiting coming … Hello?
Mikey: What’s goin’ on, Bumps?
Grandmother: Mikey, I’m on with Jay-Jay. I call you right back.
Mikey: Did you ask the dude if he’s ever gonna bowl with us again?
Grandmother: Mikey, you know I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation. Bumpuh will call you back ... Jay-Jay?
Carney: Let me be clear here … in addressing your previous suggestion regarding the country’s national observance of the Thanksgiving holiday. Obviously it is my intention to always … try to … adhere to the plans I set forth … sometimes … in some cases … far in advance … and again, if unimpeded by unnecessary delays or other unforeseen events … but let me remind you … I have no foreknowledge of the nature of evolving circumstances and so therefore cannot and will not conclusively be affirmative on that … at this time …
Grandmother: Oh, my mercy. I go crazy listening to you like this. How do you order a hamburger, Jay-Jay? How does Jay-Jay buy a pair of socks?
Carney: Thank you. Last question, Bumpuh.
Grandmother: Jay-Jay, tell your Bumpuh for me, will I still be able to go to Dr. Sterling? He so nice and he look after Bumpuh so good so long. What's that clicking ... do you hear that clicking? Hello? Do you hear that, Jay-Jay? Hello? Hello? Who is there? Mikey, is that you? Hello?
(Rick Moranis's most recent album is "My Mother's Brisket & Other Love Songs.")