Photograph by Gilbert Carrasquillo/FilmMagic/Getty Images

Comedy Awards: If Comedians Took Over the World

  1. If Comedians Were CEOS
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    If Comedians Were CEOS

    Bloomberg Businessweek stalked the red carpet at the 2012 Comedy Awards this weekend to ask comedians two crucial questions: If they could take over any organization in the world, what would it be? And what’s the first thing they’d do as boss? Here’s a glimpse of this alternate universe, where Kristen Schaal controls BP, John Oliver runs NASA, and Disneyland is free.
    Photograph by Gilbert Carrasquillo/FilmMagic/Getty Images
  2. Robin Williams
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    Robin Williams

    “AT&T (T). Get better reception. Please, three bars for everyone.”

    Photograph by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images
  3. Kristen Schaal
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    Kristen Schaal

    “I would take over BP (BP), and I would have them buy all new, uh, fish and ocean water. And I would have all the money from that go into building new train and railway systems all across America so we could ride trains everywhere, but like fast ones, like Japan, like bullet trains.”

  4. Jason Jones
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    Jason Jones

    “Apple (AAPL). I’d get rid of all the computers and just sell ... apples. Think about it, that’s a lot of money, selling apples to the entire world.”

    Photograph by Martin Cook, Courtesy Comedy Central
  5. John Oliver
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    John Oliver

    “I think I would take over NASA. ’Cause there is a frustrated child astronaut in everyone, and seeing as how I’ve not been able to become an astronaut through physical or mental skills, maybe I would just take it over and make it a business vanity project.”

    Photograph by Martin Cook, Courtesy Comedy Central
  6. Al Madrigal
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    Al Madrigal

    “It would be Google (GOOG). I’d make sure something is done about people’s privacy. I’m afraid Google is going to become Skynet from Terminator. No corporation should have that much power.”

    Photograph by Matt Sayles/AP Photo
  7. Amber Nash
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    Amber Nash

    “I would take over Spanx and make them more comfortable.”

    Photograph by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images
  8. The Gregory Brothers (Autotune the News)
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    The Gregory Brothers (Autotune the News)

    Michael Gregory: “Google (GOOG), because on their campus they have all these bikes. And if I took over I would just ride the bikes around like all day, like Pee-wee Herman.”

    Evan Gregory: “I would go with Lockheed Martin (LMT). I would just make enormous jets and space shuttles for myself with huge missiles and just fly around the world.” Michael: “Boring. Do they have bikes at their office?” Evan: “If I was CEO they would. Jet bikes.”

    Andrew Rose Gregory: “I would go Unilever (UN), just for all the ice cream. I would fill a huge swimming pool with ice cream until it melted, because it would be really easy to float on top of.”

    Photograph by WireImage/Getty Images
  9. Jim O’Heir
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    Jim O’Heir

    “Burger King. And the first thing that would happen: There’d be no burger delivered without an excessive amount of mayonnaise, because even when I ask for extra, I do not get enough."

    Photograph by Film Magic/Getty Images
  10. Wendi McLendon-Covey
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    Wendi McLendon-Covey

    “I would take over Target (TGT). I am an avid shopper, and I cannot go in there without spending money on things I don’t really need. Does my cat need a new costume? No, it doesn’t. But they sell it, and I am going to buy it. I feel they can go even more upscale. I like what they’re doing with curated boutiques, but they could step it up a little more. They could have a complete food section. They’ve got some food now, but they could do deli trays, things like that. They could take over pavilions.”

    Photograph by Jennifer Graylock/AP Photo
  11. Randall (Honey Badger)
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    Randall (Honey Badger)

    “Honey Badger would step into any company and say, listen, just take what you want. Enough of these small people and just get your money.”

    Photograph by True/Splash News
  12. Chris Parnell
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    Chris Parnell

    “Maybe Exxon (XOM) and try to really, genuinely come up with some alternative energy sources. Maybe they are. The idea of running a corporation is kind of terrifying, so it’s hard to fully embrace that idea.”

    Photograph by Eugene Gologursky/Getty Images
  13. Matthew Perry
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    Matthew Perry

    “I would take over Disneyland (DIS) and allow it to be free to the public, because it’s the happiest place on earth, and why should you have to pay to go to the happiest place on earth?”

    Photograph by Gilbert Carrasquillo/FilmMagic/Getty Images