The Rapture Profiteers

  1. Planning for the End

    Planning for the End

    So May 22 wasn't the end of the world. That means there's still time to prepare for the handful of other rapture dates just around the corner. Here's a look at everything you'll need to make your ascension a smooth ride
  2. Freeze-Dried  Culinary Delights

    Freeze-Dried Culinary Delights

    Eat ­Astronaut Space Food while you’re ­ascending through the ether. Neapolitan ice cream bars ($1.73 at make a great snack before putting in face time with the Lord.
  3. Natural Disaster Preparedness

    Natural Disaster Preparedness

    Since the apocalypse is likely to begin with some natural disaster, EmergencyDude is the one-stop vendor for ­preparedness.
  4. Eternal Data Storage

    Eternal Data Storage

    Harwich (Mass.) company You’ve Been Left Behind specializes in storing data for the saved and sending sensitive material to the right people. ($14.95 for 150 megabytes of storage)
  5. Rapture Thrill Ride T-Shirt

    Rapture Thrill Ride T-Shirt

    There’s no need to lose your sense of humor while ­ascending. Look cool and stay funny with the Rapture Thrill Ride T-Shirt. ($26.95 at
  6. Apocalypse Storage Solutions

    Apocalypse Storage Solutions

    All My Sons Moving & Storage in Pensacola, Fla., is dedicated to helping Rapture-seekers store their effects for eternity. (Call 850 435-9000 for a consultation.)
  7. Ascension-Friendly Blanket

    Ascension-Friendly Blanket

    The Emergency Space Blanket ($3.49, fuses an array of high-tech metals and fibers to create a sturdy barrier against the stratosphere.
  8. X-Ray Vision Machine

    X-Ray Vision Machine

    The compact, high-tech Prism 200c enables the Raptured to see through walls, clouds, whatever, en route to heaven. It also fits in Rapture-ready backpacks. (For prices, consult a local spyware dealer.)
  9. Nightstand Reading

    Nightstand Reading

    Need to kill some time before you’re saved? How about the 16 novels in Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins’s Left Behind series. (Individual books cost $14.99 at; ­collectors’ sets may vary.)
  10. Rapture Radio

    Rapture Radio

    Stay up to date on Rapture-­related events—weird plague rumors, mysterious lightning bolts—with Rapture Ready Radio, the original Christian podcast. (Stream it live from
  11. Rap Music

    Rap Music

    Rapture Ruckus is the coolest feel-good, God-inspired hip-hop from New Zealand ever. The band’s recently released album, Hold On, can be ­enjoyed for free on YouTube (GOOG).
  12. Rapture Erotica

    Rapture Erotica

    Doomsday makes people randy. As the publisher of Apocalypse Sex ($4.99 at notes, “there is an intense kind of sex you can only have if you think it might be your last.”
  13. Movies


    Make it a quiet night with Jack and ­Rexella Van Impe’s timeless DVD classics such as Attack on Christian America, Animals in Heaven?, and The Big Ten: Religious Delusions, Distortions and Deceptions. ($24.95 for three at