Prince William's fiancée, Kate Middleton, has a face that launched a thousand tschotskes. Crown Jewels condoms, Kate and Wills Meat Pies, and a refrigerator featuring Mario Testino's official engagement photo are but a few of the tacky products bearing the princess-to-be's likeness ahead of the Royal wedding on April 29. In comparison to regal marriages of yore, which were artful political tools used to balance power between ruling dynasties, the modern royal wedding appears to be a singular crass yet lucrative business opportunity. Economists project that once the newlyweds trot down the aisle, over $1.6 billion will have been injected into the British economy. But laugh all your want: a Charles and Diana ceremonial bottle of champagne is listed on eBay for a whopping $1,500.
Kiss me Kate Ale
$3.50 per bottle
Don’t fool yourself. Royals drink Veuve.
Harry and Kate Cup
A mug with the wrong royal brother for major collectors.
Tap out your ash on the newlyweds (the horror!)
Kate Vinyl Doll
Only 5,000 of these future heirlooms are available.
A gold mine of images, factoids, and trivia.
$3.50 per pie
Made with beef, bacon, wine, and brandy.
Being auctioned on eBay. Proceeds will go to a royal-supported charity
The Royal Wedding for Dummies
An “if you’re going” guide to the festivities
The entire royal family is available. Camilla is included. Fergie is not
Even your pooch can get in on the celebration
$8 monthly plan
The ringtone: God Save the Queen
A replica of Kate’s engagement frock.
Cuffs ‘N’ Collars’ contribution to the young-lust frenzy
Crown Jewel Condoms
$8 for three
Heritage sheaths of distinction
Knit Your Own Royal Wedding
What better way to kill time between now and Apr. 29?
Price based on model
The photo is arguably improved by the water dispenser