Sept. 5 (Bloomberg) -- Other than the famous decorative monkeys, not much at the Monkey Bar is recognizable. The smiling simians now look down upon the wrong kind of people eating the wrong kind of food.

Cuisine was never the most crucial element of this venerated, often glamorous midtown spot. Of primary importance was the bar, nicely described in a 1948 guide to New York as having ``jungle-style muralings, dispensing counter, and spotlighted baby grand piano where dizzy dittyists carol.''

Second in esteem was the Hotel Elysee, home to novelists, actors, athletes and playwrights -- Tennessee Williams lived and died there.

Finally, there was the restaurant, which can be entered through either the lobby or the bar. ``I remember seeing Tennessee Williams in here, about 1976,'' recalled one of my dinner guests. ``He was eating dinner and sucking on the fingers of the boy he was with.''

The bar has become an after-work singles spot, roaringly convivial on two of my visits but lacking any sense of importance. The hotel lobby remains spiffy. As for the restaurant, it's worse than ever.

In small part, it's the fault of a less-than-sophisticated clientele. On one of my visits, only three other tables were occupied. One group was hosted by a gentleman in short pants; at another, a mute family gathering, a kid was watching a video on his PC as he ate.

'90s Buzz

The dining area is small and unpromising. It always has been. The restaurant last had buzz in the mid-'90s with chef John Schenk in the kitchen and architect-designer David Rockwell going for maximum glamour with a half-Hollywood, half-Art Deco look.

Today the executive chef is Patricia Yeo, initially famous as Bobby Flay's sidekick, more recently known for her fine cooking at AZ, now closed. The room, designed by Stephanie Goto, is Chimp Chinoiserie.

The walls are gorgeous -- bright red paint, scattered monkeys, silver blossoms. In front of them are scrims embellished with the faces of Chinese ancients. Great stuff.

The rest of the terraced space consists of banquettes, chairs rimmed in dark-chocolate ebony, wood-grain tables, places set with both chopsticks and flatware. It's smart, understated and underlit.

The menu is supposedly ``Asian-inspired.'' It sure isn't Asian-tasting.

Incoherent, Heavy

It's everything -- a jumble of way too much. Yes, it's ambitious, earnest and colorful. But the dishes are incoherent and the food is thuddingly heavy. No focus. No finesse. Lots of salt.

One appetizer includes bananas, jicama, cuttlefish, honey- roasted peanuts and ``banana-chili jam.'' You really don't want that, although the peanuts, the tastiest element, are so good you might reminisce longingly about your last airline meal in coach.

Sturgeon, a main course, is crusted with crushed wasabi peas -- interesting and nicely done. Unfortunately, you can't avoid the accompanying pea-shoot potstickers (gummy) and edamame emulsion (good alliteration, bad taste).

Baby back ribs? Hard to go wrong, but Yeo does. They're cooked to the softness of stewed meat and served with an extra- thick topping that reminded me of turkey stuffing.

The Monkey Bar steak? Insanely salty, whether from sodium chloride or the black-bean-and-ginger-butter sauce I couldn't tell, because I couldn't eat more than a bite or two. And it was mealy, a shock considering that the Glazier Group, which owns the restaurant, also operates Strip House and Michael Jordan's, two well-regarded Manhattan steakhouses.

Butterscotch Sauce

Seared diver scallops with butterscotch sauce? Surprisingly successful. Under a too-thin slice of scallop was a pear-parsnip puree and, under that, a veal reduction barely scented with butterscotch.

I also admired the Vietnamese-style pho, which had tender slices of rare duck breast and a memorable broth. Also, for no discernable reason, bits of pineapple and plum.

Fruit keeps appearing in dishes, and rarely when it should. At my first meal, so many dishes contained pineapple that a friend remarked, ``Is this pan-Asian or a luau?''

Nothing at this restaurant surpasses the bread basket -- naan, pita chips and onion brioche, plus an extra-creamy hummus laced with chili sauce. I could have eaten bread all night, accompanied by the 2006 Qupe Bien Nacido Cuvee, a well-made chardonnay-viognier blend on the list for $39. End of my wine recommendations.

Goop, Shell, Goop

Desserts, if you're still hanging in, are OK, providing you don't go for the fried milk, which is one kind of goop (cloying yogurt) atop another kind of goop (farina custard) with a thin fried shell in between.

Yeo has been dividing her time between two restaurants, the Monkey Bar and Sapa. Last week she announced that she would be leaving Sapa and concentrating on the Monkey Bar.

I doubt that it will make a difference. In my life I've known only one chef who could pull off dishes as ridiculously complicated as these: Todd English, back in Boston before he became a celebrity.

Yeo might start diligently supervising the Monkey Bar kitchen, but I don't believe food preparation is the biggest problem. Recipes are.

The Bloomberg Questions

Cost? Prices range from $11 for the chopped salad with tea- smoked chicken, Chinese sausage and blue cheese to $37 for the Monkey Bar steak.

Sound level? Good news, in a way: never enough people to make noticeable noise.

Date place? Only if you have a suite in the hotel and feel lucky.

Inside tip? The complimentary bowl of diced watermelon and cucumber that comes with all entrees is a blessing -- sweet, simple, nourishing and refreshing.

Special feature? The Monkey Drinks are more interesting and a better value than wines by the glass. Make mine a Blueberry Joe -- blueberry puree, coffee, tequila, triple sec.

Private Room? No.

Lunch? Yes.

Will I be back? Absolutely not. I can't afford the hotel rooms.

The Monkey Bar is at 60 E. 54th St. Information: +1-212-838-2600 or http://www.theglaziergroup.com/restaurants/monkeybar/.

(Alan Richman is a restaurant critic for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this story: Alan Richman at thecritic@optonline.net.

Last Updated: September 5, 2007 00:08 EDT