June 24 (Bloomberg) -- Beef cubes from the local Key Food. That’s what my father used for his Saturday stir-fry, a Sutton family staple when I was growing up. The cheap meat was as tender as the Styrofoam packaging it came in. Soy sauce made it tasty and “exotic.” What cut of beef was it? Didn’t know. Didn’t matter. We were eating steak. That was enough of a treat.

My family’s tastes have changed since then, but just last week, I got to relive my childhood, adjusted for inflation. I dined at Montenapo, a high-end Italian joint across the street from Manhattan’s Port Authority bus terminal. Again, I had no idea what type of steak I was eating.

Chuck? Sirloin? Tenderloin? Didn’t know. The menu didn’t say. It was called “beef cube.” And it cost $39.

It was a different cut from the one I grew up on. My father’s version was sourced from the supermarket and flash-aged in our hot car trunk. Montenapo’s version is a 45-day aged, grass-fed cube. The shape is closer to a rectangle, but I reckon “beef rectangle” would be a tougher sell.

There are many oddities at Montenapo, one of two unusual restaurants at the New York Times Building. The other is Inakaya, a Japanese restaurant known for its shouting waiters.

No noise at Montenapo. The 200-seat space was largely quiet during three recent visits. Felt like an empty banquet hall. Bad music piped out of the bar area, where a flat-screen TV broadcast a poker championship on Saturday. Is this where you warm up before taking the bus to Atlantic City?

Healthy?

Montenapo, like Armani Ristorante across town, serves mediocre hotel-Italian at absurd prices. Gazpacho will set you back $22 for the pleasure of a few bites of lobster. Two off- tasting, $19 “jumbo scallops” had no sear and were topped with sandy breadcrumbs.

“All pastas, breads and desserts are entirely homemade on premises using natural, healthy ingredients,” says the restaurant’s Web site.

That explains the rare tuna with black rice ($33) and honey soy sauce, which tastes like spa food. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But bison carpaccio isn’t just as thin as paper. It also tastes like paper, which is to say, like nothing at all. Sits atop mixed greens.

There’s a hint of organ: An impressively moist baked chicken ($29) is stuffed with an indistinct, mushy mess of chicken liver. And they should outsource the breads. The house- made stuff is spongy, without a modicum of crunch.

Mixed-Up Math?

Watch out for the upsell. I asked the waiter to pick out a wine for me, and he brought back a $24 glass of Brunello. Even worse: A tiny taste of any three pastas is $25 per person -- a very pricey $75 mid-course for our party of three. Ordered separately as full portions, they would’ve cost just $52.

The good news: The pastas are al dente and judiciously sauced, except for the Chef Boyardee-esque cheese ravioli, covered with a pool of saccharine tomato goop. Try the agnolotti, extra firm and stuffed with rich veal cheeks. Rosemary-spiked rigatoni smells like the forest; parmesan adds nuttiness. Sea urchin spaghetti sports a clean maritime sting.

Here’s a waste of a young cow: a veal chop pounded into submission and crisped. Couldn’t even taste the $39 meat amid the dense crust.

Stick with the tender osso bucco; and the branzino, poached to show off its delicate texture.

Alas, there’s the beef rectangle. It’s tough and muscle- bound, with little marbling and no bone to preserve tenderness. When I called the restaurant afterward, they told me it’s actually a strip loin, which makes it a stripped-down desecration of that fine cut, unjustly carved into geometric absurdity. My father had it right. Beef cubes should be cheap.

Rating: *

The Bloomberg Questions

Cost? Easily $100 or more per person for a full meal.

Sound level? Quiet, because it’s empty.

Date place? Don’t let your companion see the wine list, which may be ripped, or menus, which may be dirty.

Inside tip? Waiters offer to grind fresh pepper and sprinkle cheese over dishes that don’t need it. Beware.

Special feature? Excellent hazelnut and pistachio biscotti are free. Too bad our thin, weak coffee was not.

Private room? No.

Will I be back? When I want to watch poker while I eat.

Montenapo is at the New York Times Building, 250 W. 41st St. Information: +1-212-764-7663; http://www.montenaporestaurant.com

What the Stars Mean:

****         Incomparable food, service, ambience.
***          First-class of its kind.
**           Good, reliable.
*            Fair.
No stars     Poor.

(Ryan Sutton writes about New York City restaurants for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Ryan Sutton in New York at rsutton1@bloomberg.net.

Last Updated: June 24, 2009 00:01 EDT