July 29 (Bloomberg) -- “Delta Air Lines” was inscribed on the knives. But we weren’t on a flight, we were dining in the Hamptons at a land-based eatery that evokes the universally miserable experience of eating crummy food in an economy class seat.

Welcome to the Blue Parrot, a decades-old haunt that reopened this summer; it had closed in 2006. The new investors include financier Ronald Perelman, Jon Bon Jovi, who played an impromptu concert here, and actress Renee Zellweger, who, according to our waiter, favors the chocolate mousse cake -- a concoction so dense it would likely remain intact if dropped from cruising altitude.

To be fair, two recent visits confirmed the mostly Tex-Mex fare is usually better than airline grub -- but not always. Did the chef dump an entire bottle of cumin into our undersalted meatballs ($17)?

The venue is in East Hampton, a posh New York seaside retreat where residents are used to cutting their meat with Laguiole and Christofle. Expect no such frills. The blue paint on the floors is worn. The chairs are mismatched. The menus are covered in plastic. The $9 Margaritas, strong and sour, come in Mason jars. The wait for a table on Friday -- 90 minutes.

It’s tempting to attribute the crowds to a genuine effort to economize with inexpensive Tex-Mex, but the glowing BlackBerry devices inside and the Ralph Lauren store outside make the Parrot feel more like a fashionably disingenuous accommodation of the recession.

Dressing Down

Cheap is the new expensive. That means the wealthy pretend to be working class by dressing down and eating $5 chips and salsa, which should be free because the insipid pulp tastes worse than supermarket brands.

This faux-dive bar trend is tolerable at Manhattan venues like Freemans or the Rusty Knot, with their well-composed cocktails and ambitious pub fare, but not at the Parrot, with its watery mojitos and soupy, ice-cold crab ceviche.

Decline the waiter’s offer of guacamole, which will set you back $12 and result in a tiny dish that tastes of nothing at all, with the chunky green paste chilled into submission.

While Manhattan restaurants have been serving high-end tacos (richly slow-cooked meats paired with pickled toppings for acid balance), the Parrot gives us retrograde grilled steak and chicken sleepers. Tasty but boring.

There are standouts. The torta, a sloppy sandwich of grilled steak and cheese (the menu says neither what type of steak nor cheese), is reasonably salty, crunchy, fatty, beefy and messy; the prime components of good hangover food. Grilled hen sports a nifty lime tang. Tortilla and shredded chicken pie bursts with an intensely sweet mash of pure corn flavor. A modest slice is $22; yes, you’re still in the Hamptons.

Montauk Malarkey

The Surf Lodge is off in Montauk but priced like the Hamptons: $26 lobster roll, $18 burger with $6 fries and $400 weekend rates for an overnight stay.

I call this phenomenon “Hamptons sprawl.”

Two visits to the Lodge last summer yielded some of the most unmemorable food of 2008. Accordingly, my single visit last weekend resulted in two of the worst dishes I’ve tried this year.

Its chef, Sam Talbot, didn’t win Bravo TV’s Top Chef competition. The lobster roll helps explain why. It’s a hot version served with drawn butter instead of mayo. It’s miserable, just a few bites of underseasoned, bland shellfish on a dry bun.

Chicken at Sea

The hamburger was overcooked and undersalted. I ordered it medium rare; it was served medium to medium-well. It came with a slice of cheddar that tasted like processed American cheese.

Fried chicken isn’t usually ordered at a fish shack. But the Surf Lodge’s version is stellar: intensely crispy skin with hints of sweet and spicy that adhered well to the juicy meat. Chorizo eggs tasted little of chorizo but had a creamy cilantro kick.

The Blue Parrot’s downscale cocktail gimmick is Mason jars; the Surf Lodge’s trick is plastic beach-party-style cups with straws. Margaritas were powerfully alcoholic and unbalanced. A riff on the Dark and Stormy paired ginger extract with Pyrat rum, a fine spirit for sipping that’s too sugary for this mixed drink.

Diners throughout the outdoor deck looked for their servers. They waved their checks in the air. They wished they were elsewhere.

The Bloomberg Questions

Cost? Almost everything’s under $30 at both.

Sound level? Deafening at the Parrot; quieter at the Lodge.

Date place? You don’t bring a date, you pick one up.

Inside tip? Try the Parrot’s torta or the Lodge’s fried chicken.

Special feature? Sleep over at the Surf Lodge for $300- $400.

Will I be back? No.

The Blue Parrot is at 33A Main St, East Hampton, New York. Information: +1-631-329-2583; http://www.blueparroteasthampton.com. The Surf Lodge is at 183 Edgemere St., Montauk, New York. Information; +1-631-668-1562; http://www.thesurflodge.com.

(Ryan Sutton writes about New York City restaurants for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Ryan Sutton in New York at rsutton1@bloomberg.net.

Last Updated: July 29, 2009 00:01 EDT