Dec. 26 (Bloomberg) -- Upper East Siders aren't like you and me. You'll understand why after a visit to T-Bar Steak & Lounge, a new neighborhood steakhouse.

Are you a non-Upper East Sider who enjoys well-marbled steaks? ``Ours don't have too much marbling,'' a waitress assured us, as though this was exactly what we wanted to hear.

Like great wines? The list here is jam-packed with overpriced, mostly mediocre reds. (Pol Roger nonvintage Champagne at $62 is the best deal.)

Admire wood paneling and a clubby feel? The zany decor, a riot of swirls, oranges and greens, fabric tiles and pressed leaves, is part Miami Beach, part kid's playroom.

Want brusque service from coots? The staff is young, attractive and amazingly responsive, precisely what you'd expect from owner Tony Fortuna, a master at running the front of a house.

At T-Bar Steak & Lounge, anthropology trumps gastronomy. From the chopped salads (think dining at Bergdorf's) to the petit filet mignon (think Weight Watchers), it faithfully represents its locale.

On one visit, the table next to us was overflowing with blondes, each one as devoid of pigmentation as human beings can be.

On another, a fortyish botoxed beauty repeatedly applied facial products during dinner -- six times by my count.

On another, the woman closest to us said she wanted her broccoli rabe steamed, her steak not salty and her salad without green beans. Seconds after the waiter left to deliver the bad news to the kitchen, her husband chased him down to make more changes.

Women's Restroom

I can't imagine what else I might have heard if the room weren't so ear-splittingly loud. One of my guests assured me I was missing nothing by not having access to the women's restroom, because it's too minuscule (one sink) and too uncomfortable (freezing cold) for anybody to hang around and dish.

The food is OK. Meats from the so-called Steak Bar portion of the menu (which includes a monstrous if rather bland pork chop and a juicy, toothsome veal chop) are not prime, but they are tender. They look even larger than advertised. The porterhouse for two, the best of them, was big and puffy -- maybe botoxed, too.

Other entrees are less successful. The inevitable grilled salmon option is slathered with a too-sweet miso-mustard sauce and accompanied by unshelled edamame beans, the kind you have to pick up and squeeze. Not such a clever concept, unless you like your fingers glazed.

Routine Pasta

There's one routine pasta, rigatoni with bolognese sauce, and grilled branzino, which came dry and charred. Most interesting of the less-muscular entrees is veal schnitzel served ``a la Holstein,'' with a fried egg on top. It's basically a crunchy protein potato chip, and the egg does service as the dip.

Two appetizers stand out among many that do not. Angel chicken wings are a ball of white meat, popsicle-style, on the bone, covered with a pleasantly sweet tamarind glaze. Fried oysters are exquisitely cooked and served atop a shiso-and- seaweed salad that infuses them with a fragrant, exotic bouquet.

Not bad are escargots served in individual, snail-sized cups rather than being shoved back into shells that could only by luck be their own. Smoked salmon ``ravioli,'' a play on lox and bagels, is appetizing enough to deserve a more accurate name.

The best of the side dishes are macaroni-and-cheese, cheesy without being gooey, and overly creamed spinach that's irresistible nonetheless, probably because the cream is permeated with pureed leeks.

Banana Construction

Three desserts are fabulous (even if two were imperfectly executed): The strawberry sundae, the chocolate sundae and the ``banana parfait mille feuilles.'' Each cost $14 and was said by various waitresses to be large enough to feed two or three. Four is more like it.

The gorgeous banana construction arrived half-melted. The chocolate sundae, a little dry, had too much molten cake and not enough ice cream. But the strawberry sundae was a dream -- berries, ice cream, freshly whipped cream, pound cake, meringue and a tang of liqueur. It was more like a bowl of English trifle than a mere sundae.

The botoxed lady ordered one. She ate most of it.

The Bloomberg Questions

Cost? Prices range from $10 for the blue-cheese escarole wedge to $79 for the porterhouse for two.

Sound level? If you're interested in conversation, ask for a table in the slightly less noisy back room.

Date place? If your name is Chad or Daphne.

Inside tip? Eleven reds are priced from $310 to $950. I tried none of them. If you decide to indulge, I recommend the 1997 Dalla Valle ($420), a near-famous Cabernet Sauvignon.

Special feature? A friend who spent 40 minutes standing beside the maitre d's stand while we were stuck in traffic said he had a better time with the women working there than he did with us. Suggested beverage while lingering: the kaffir lime mojito.

Private room? No.

Lunch? Yes, Monday through Saturday.

Will I be back? Probably not, although that strawberry sundae might prove too enticing.

T-Bar Steak & Lounge is at 1278 Third Ave. at 73rd. Information: +1-212-772-0404. http://www.tbarnyc.com

Rating: *

What the Stars Mean

****          Incomparable food, service, ambience.
***           First-class of its kind.
**            Good, reliable.
*             Fair.
(No stars)    Poor.

(Alan Richman is the New York restaurant critic for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this story: Alan Richman at thecritic@optonline.net.

Last Updated: December 26, 2007 00:03 EST