April 9 (Bloomberg) -- If decibels were distinction, “Rock of Ages,” which comes to Broadway from Los Angeles and Las Vegas via off-Broadway, might easily pass for a winner. After all, one of the 18th century’s popular entertainments was visiting a lunatic asylum and one of the 20th’s was watching car crashes, to both of which “Rock of Ages” bears a striking resemblance.

It is an anthology of 80s pop music by the likes of REO Speedwagon, Styx, Twisted Sister and Bon Jovi, hung on a makeshift book by Chris D’Arienzo. The leads are played by Constantine Maroulis, of “American Idol” fame, and Amy Spanger, of “Kiss Me, Kate” without blemish or bravura.

“Rock of Ages” is innovative even for the most experienced critics: For the first time, we are asked to review Noise. Not pure noise, to be sure, but noise encroached on by a smattering of unmusical music, stultifying lyrics, banal dialogue and a story that carries triviality to new heights, or lows. It is impure noise, against which the best earplugs offer only partial relief.

The plot? Partly a boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy- gets-girl story, partly a tale of rival rockers competing for glory and romance on the Sunset Strip at a joint about to be appropriated and torn down by evil Germans bent on creating a new, more commercial Strip.

Grungy Nightspot

It features Lonny, a smartass narrator, and Dennis, a grungy nightspot owner with whom he sometimes sings impassioned duets, plus a modest number of chorus boys and girls sometimes promoted to actors, some mildly attractive, some not.

Also involved are a corrupt mayor, a motherly older woman who runs a strip joint and a female loudmouth who leads a group of protesters against the Germans, who consist of a Teutonic tyrant father, Hertz (the able Paul Schoeffler, misused), and his effete son Franz (the not untalented Wesley Taylor).

But none of the characters matters, any more than the plot they populate. Rather it is the elaborate if confusing neon- studded set by Beowulf Boritt, the outrageously glitzy costuming by Gregory Gale, the Times Square-inspired lighting of Jason Lyons, the prolific but scattershot L.A. projections by Zak Borovay, and, of course, the aforementioned Noise.

Digital Dexterity

You might enjoy the pyrotechnics of guitarist Joel Hoekstra, whose digital virtuosity impresses far more than any of the Noises he is playing. If you are an early-middle-aged, provincial, radio-addicted American weaned on these clumsily shoehorned-in songs and evince nostalgia for your Reagan-era youth, “Rock of Ages” is for you. Totally.

At the Brooks Atkinson Theater, 256 W. 47th St. Information: +1-212-719-4099; http://www.ticketmaster.com. Rating: *

What the Stars Mean:
****       Excellent
***        Good
**         Average
*          Poor
(No stars) Worthless

(John Simon is the New York drama critic for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: John Simon in New York at jis1925@aol.com.

Last Updated: April 8, 2009 22:30 EDT