Aug. 10 (Bloomberg) -- I found a piece of paper on the sidewalk near the Capitol last week. It may provide an interesting glimpse into the thinking of our top policy makers.

Dear Barney,

As we head off to recess, I can feel the momentum building for our health reforms. You were right all along when you said that we should ignore the lunatic-fringe moderates and just plow full-steam ahead. I am sure our members will be received like war heroes as they head back to their town halls.

Given the enormous success of “cash for clunkers,” it seems like we need to come up with a few more big-think policies. I just had another of my “Speaker moments” and am sure we can pass whatever bills we want in the fall so long as we sweeten them with some of the following ideas.

1) Flies for Food Stampers. Teach a man to fish -- that’s what I always say. This program will provide cutting-edge Orvis fly-fishing equipment to everyone in the federal Food Stamp program. It also will provide education funds so they can learn to cast like a pro. This program makes great budget sense. Down the road, when people are used to eating fresh trout, we can cut the Food Stamp program and steer the money to the trial lawyers.

Cash in Chips

2) Aces for ACORN. Campaign promises are a real pain, but I think we all figured out last spring that it doesn’t count as a tax hike if we increase taxes on sin. So why not increase taxes on gambling winnings? We could tax all winnings at 50 percent, and give the money to our friends at ACORN. I understand they are planning to step up absentee registrations going into the midterm elections, and this time around they are going to rely less on the names of cartoon characters. They need money, fast.

3) The U.S. Campaign Backdrop Initiative. I just finished talking to Franken about this one, and we agree it’s needed. Our candidates waste an enormous amount of time and money rounding up an optimal generational and ethnic mix of people and transporting them to a flag factory. This provides endless headaches in places like northern Minnesota, where the racial mix is impossible, and in districts like yours, where American flags are taboo. All candidates should receive an acceptable backdrop that can be unfolded behind the podium at every event.

(By the way -- campaign finance reform has been terrific for us, hasn’t it? I still can’t believe the idiot Republicans fell for it. Obama raised a billion dollars, baby!)

New Wrinkle

4) Bucks for Botox. We should cover the first $4,500 for Botox and require everyone to receive treatments. You can’t believe how expensive Botox is. Many people who desperately need treatment can’t afford it.

What really gets me riled up is that there are many others who, thinking only of themselves, live with their wrinkles. Wrinkles are a classic externality. Unless you are standing at the mirror, you don’t have to see your face, Barney. Maybe you only see it once a day. We have to look at you all day. I would have a much better appetite at our lunches if you spent a few hours under the needle.

5) Send billionaires to Guantanamo. We have been taking a lot of heat for talking about shutting Guantanamo. We are taking more heat because of the deficit. So let’s kill two birds with one stone. (I’m having a “Speaker moment” again!) We can keep Guantanamo open and fill it with America’s billionaires. Since they won’t need their money in their tiny cells, we can take it for Uncle Sam (or Auntie Nancy).

It sounds a little extreme, but it’s not really that much different from Rangel’s tax “reform.” I need a little help with this one though. Your people need to figure out a loophole for Soros. Otherwise our campaign money will dry up.

Terror Tea Parties

6) Teatime for Terrorists. If we are going to move the billionaires to Guantanamo, we will have to find a place to put the poor misunderstood folks who have been there for so long. The “terrorists” attacked us because Americans have been so insensitive to their plight. So let’s take the detainees out of Guantanamo and assign them to overnight with American families. To maximize the impact of the visits, we can require the hosts to organize community teas so that the detainees get to know as many people as possible.

We have lots more to talk about. The big thing I am working on is a tricky scoring problem.

The president asked us to look into how much money we could save if we shut down the Congressional Budget Office. He thinks it’s wasteful and duplicative to have the CBO score all those presidential proposals, when the Office of Management and Budget has already done all the work. He promised the voters he would tighten up government, and he thinks the CBO would be a great place to start.

My problem is that the rules say we have to ask the CBO for a score. That could cause some political difficulties, so I am trying to cook up a different approach. Any advice you might have would be appreciated.

Yours,

Nancy

(Kevin Hassett, director of economic-policy studies at the American Enterprise Institute, is a Bloomberg News columnist. He was an adviser to Republican Senator John McCain of Arizona in the 2008 presidential election. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Kevin Hassett at khassett@bloomberg.net

Last Updated: August 9, 2009 21:01 EDT