Dec. 27 (Bloomberg) -- I found a crumpled piece of paper tossed aside in a dingy bar in a backstreet of the financial district. It turned out to be Mr. Market's Christmas wish list to Santa Claus, scrawled on the back of a now worthless mortgage- backed bond contract while he was drowning his 2007 sorrows.

Dear Santa,

Here are this year's Christmas requests. Once you've made your list and checked it thrice, in accordance with the new Basel II compliance rules, you may find my name erroneously entered in the ``naughty'' rating category for this year.

If you smooth the returns over the past decade, however, I am sure your model will show my performance is firmly at the ``nice'' level. Moreover, my pals over at Moody's Investors Service and Standard & Poor's say they are still happy to vouch for me as a top guy -- for a fee, naturally. Yours, Mr. Market.

I'm Dreaming of a Wrapped Christmas

I tend to feel the cold more as I get older, Santa, so I was hoping for a new wrap this Christmas, preferably one made from top-grade material. The one I bought from MBIA Inc. earlier in the year turns out to be made of synthetic squares, and is unraveling faster than a ball of wool in a basket of kittens.

Deck the Halls With Strings of Rate Cuts

Last year, you gave Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke the helicopter lessons he asked for. Santa, I have to tell you, that isn't working out so well.

Sure, at the first sign of trouble, Ben dons his flight suit, climbs into his chopper and starts showering us with bags of cash. His aim, however, is terrible. The money never lands where it is most needed. Who in their right mind lines up at a discount window in the middle of winter where the neighbors can see you shivering in discomfort?

So, I was hoping you could get Ben some map-reading lessons, or perhaps one of those newfangled satellite navigation devices for his cockpit. If his helicopter drops don't find their way to the three-month London interbank offered rate soon, Tiny Tim won't be celebrating Easter, never mind Christmas.

While you're at it, maybe you could supply bigger printing presses to the world's central banks? The European Central Bank seems to have an antique model dating from the days when the Bundesbank was in charge. The Bank of England model lurches in and out of action in a most unpredictable manner. A 1 percent Fed funds target rate would also be a nice stocking stuffer; I promise to leave it unopened until later in 2008.

It's Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Shanghai

Santa, you know how it is with those huge cash infusions from Chinese institutions. You bail out one ailing investment bank, and 30 minutes later you feel like bailing out another one.

Anyway, I was hoping you could find a way for me to hop on the Sovereign Wealth Fund gravy train. An extra $5 billion would really come in handy this Christmas, especially as my adjustable- rate mortgage is due to reset in January and I'm expecting my payments to double. I hope you've already refinanced your North Pole factory. Oh, and don't go promising the Elves any pay increases -- money will be tight for everyone next year.

While Bankers Ditched Their SIVs by Night

As you know, Santa, I've had a very good year. Sadly, that year wasn't 2007.

So what I'd really love to find under the tree is a time machine so we could travel all the way back to, oooh, January. Life was so much easier when constant proportion debt obligations were still worth 100 percent of face value and nobody had looked under the hood of our structured investment vehicle and found a black hole instead of a purring V-8 engine.

With a time machine, I could be back in the good old days when there was a fraternal and willing suspension of disbelief between investors and issuers, rating companies and originators, regulators and speculators.

I realize that reversing time's arrow might be something of a tall order even for you, Santa. So, alternatively, I would be more than happy to accept a new rug, provided it is of sufficient size to sweep the whole subprime debacle under its tasseled edges. I will also need a new broom, also large. Maybe I could borrow the one Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson seems to have in his office?

Pantomime Time at Northern Rock

At this festive time of year, we should spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves, especially those enduring freezing money-market conditions in the North.

So I was hoping, Santa, that you might be able to find a fairy godmother to stop Northern Rock Plc from turning into a nationalized pumpkin? Anything has to be better than choosing between the publicity seeking ugly sisters currently trying to win control, namely Richard Branson and Luqman Arnold.

(Mark Gilbert is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Mark Gilbert in London at magilbert@bloomberg.net

Last Updated: December 26, 2007 19:08 EST